Deep Listening When There is Disrespect

Our organizations and teams are more effective and easier to manage when the people have positive working relationships. Working together is easier when there is mutual respect.

Although we have the phrase “command respect,” which suggests that somebody can demand or force respect from people, the reality is that respect is a personal choice to show (or not), just like determining whether something is respectful or not is an individual interpretation. Fundamentally, personal interpretations don’t matter because it is not possible to prove that something was respectful (or not) definitively. It is a starting point to accept that someone has feelings that involve disrespect.

We share some common cultural signs of respect or social norms, but their interpretation remains personal. If a stranger’s shoulder bumps into my shoulder while walking on the sidewalk, I could interpret that as disrespect, or not. What happens immediately after that bump can impact my interpretation of the situation. A quick, apologetic “sorry,” and attempt at eye contact, versus an accusatory “hey!” with aggressive eye contact, can make a difference. In the end, though, it’s up to me to decide how I take the situation.

Within our organizations and teams, we don’t have many stranger-on-the-street moments. Still, we do have people we see repeatedly and regularly, whose behavior can impact our feelings of respect. Receiving frequent, thoughtful feedback can help steer us through the casual day-to-day interactions, which can strengthen or erode feelings of respect. In more significant moments and tense situations, we have a more focused opportunity to build respect because the energy surrounding the problem will be memorable, as well as the larger impact on bystanders and those who will hear the story later. Emotional energy draws attention, and feelings of disrespect carry a ton of emotional energy.

Within our workplaces and teams, disrespect is devastating to personal thriving and collective accomplishments.

The antidote to feelings of disrespect is repair.

Repair requires pausing to understand the perspective and feelings of the people involved. It means deep listening. It does not mean you have to agree or share that same perspective. The initial goal is to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. Repair really gets going when this deep level of listening and understanding is extended to everyone involved, regardless of their emotional investment or feelings of respect/disrespect.

Getting to a deeper understanding can be tricky. It takes some effort beyond what most of us generally do when we listen to others. Frequently asking ourselves, “how do they feel?” and “how do they feel about…?” can guide us when we make the effort.

Within our teams and organizations, we have the luxury of establishing procedures for deep listening and repair. Consistent procedures can decrease the anxiety that some folks feel in situations of disrespect and encourage them to take action.

These communication procedures can be an acronym, a set of steps, or a direct call-back to the organizational values. We can create templates and processes that support our teammates in engaging with the effortful work of deep listening. It doesn’t need to be an elaborate 18-step process (or it can be) - it just needs to be used.

It is worth the effort to create something customized to work for your team/organization and the types of respect-related issues that typically arise there. I’ve seen organizations where having a process that everyone knows (because they were trained to use it) eases all types of communication, not just situations where disrespect arises.

Once you have a foundational level of shared understanding, the path toward repair can become much clearer. Don’t rush through getting to that level of understanding! It is a key component of repair. And it is a step that may require more support than you initially expect. If you want your people to be able to sort out their issues on their own, providing a process for building shared understanding when there is disrespect is an excellent first step.