Do you need a mediator? Part 2: Is there something better?

I got another message from folks at an organization that is drowning in conflict. Leaders are leaving (or getting pushed out), the systems in place are tedious and draining on everyone left standing, and they are worried their entire organization may collapse because of the volume and intensity of conflicts. It might. But it probably doesn’t have to. I’m confident they can turn it around. They may think they need a mediator, but they actually need something better.

Poor conflict systems with poor execution won’t be helped by an outside source mediating (or adjudicating). Sorry to deliver the harsh news, especially if all your hopes were hanging on having that “unbiased” voice sweep in and save the day.

It is possible that hiring a mediator will help resolve an issue - this is 1,000,000% true. It is also quite likely that after that issue is resolved, you’ll be left with the same not-great systems and/or shaky execution. You need a different solution for the deeper issues. Before we get to that, let’s look at when calling in a mediator is a good choice.

First, what is a mediator, and what do they do? Mediators are people who are called into an organization to resolve a dispute. They are seen as an unbiased source, and they are tasked with finding a pathway forward when the people involved in the dispute are stuck without resolution.

Mediators often work by talking individually with the people involved and then bringing them together for listening and problem-solving. The mediator is generally free to help the people come to any type of agreement that moves things forward. The mediator is not attached to any specific outcome. Whatever works for the people involved is the resolution.

Sometimes, though, there is no resolution. The people involved are unable to find a way forward. There is not always a sense of closure or “we solved it!” feeling. Sometimes there is (hopefully) clarifying communication, and that’s all that gets done. One reason mediation stalls out is because of the personalities of the people involved. (See my podcast episode on The Five Types Of People Who Will Ruin Your Life for an exploration of difficult personalities ).

The mediator does their pre-work, holds a mediation session, and then hits the road. Sometimes there is some follow-up, but not always. Sometimes the conflict is resolved by this type of intervention. When the mediator is done, leaders are left with the same systems, execution, and personalities that exacerbated the issue in the first place. You can continue to call mediators whenever you think you need one, but there is a better way.

That better way is resetting both systems and execution (and maybe organizational culture along the way). If you want to stop putting out fires, you’ll need to stop throwing matches on spilled gasoline.

Cleaning up the gas spill means taking a hard look at the systems you have in place for “resolving” conflicts. The system does not resolve anything - the humans involved must resolve it. A more realistic perspective is creating a “conflict response” system to “manage” or “respond” to conflicts. The words matter. If everyone looks to the system (and the people involved) to resolve the conflict, then the people with a conflict will put in very little (approximately 0) effort to resolve the issue on their own. Claiming your system will fix it is setting up unrealistic expectations (and this is part of the reason your conflict resolution team is burnt out). A conflict “resolution” system is dumping gas on the ground, then wondering why the car won’t go.

Pour the gas in the car by creating a system where your people are trained and empowered to manage their conflicts. A system where everyone taking accountability for conflicts is easy and expected. This type of system is grounded in supporting people to move through conflict confidently - how that looks can be very specific to your organization. The more tailored it is to your organizational culture (with conscious steps toward the culture you aspire to have if things are not optimal currently), the more buy-in there is to embracing the system and following through on enacting it. People in your organization can be excellent and creative conflict resolvers with the tools and support to do it. Create a system that does that.

Poor system execution is like throwing a lit match on that gas spill. When people in leadership roles (or with social leadership cachet) embody power-over conflict resolutions (like punishments) or act with inconsistency because every issue is unique, even though the rules are consistent, they are actively undermining trust in their leadership, the conflict system, and the organization as a whole. This trust deficit contributes to conflict blow-ups where people rage at each other and the leadership folks, and the whole organization suffers (high turnover, low morale, reputational attacks that are devastatingly true, etc.).

The solution to these poor execution issues is not just more training. Folks may need skills to respond in conflicts, but they also may need very specific coaching or reinforcement to develop and maintain a power-with mindset. We can’t punish people into having better, conflict-free relationships, so we need another approach. Everyone in your organization who people turn to when there is a conflict needs to be on the same page regarding conflict response.

Yes, people in a conflict will approach the person who they think will serve them best personally. Yes, this is a recipe for both burnout for that person and undermining trust in the system. Getting on the same page may mean leaders slowing down and working together to reinforce consistent application of your system. When leaders shift from a power-over to a power-with mindset, responding to conflicts changes dramatically. Instead of investigation and punishment, there is relationship and repair, which is a much more sustainable and fulfilling role for the leaders involved. Getting there takes a solid plan and commitment from all the leaders involved. It can, and does, happen. (Here’s my process to make this happen.)

Maybe you do need a mediator, but more likely, you need to update your conflict response system to empower everyone on your team to take action and get all your leaders to share a consistent power-with mindset when conflicts arise. That is the pathway to sustainable leadership within a more just organization.