When They Won't Take The Feedback
There’s been a trend in my world lately: leaders in various states of frustration, sometimes despair, because their people do not respond well to feedback. Sometimes people get defensive and react poorly in the moment, but more often they seem to take in the info and then just don’t do anything about it. Have you seen this in your world?
Next, the leaders are pulling their hair out and/or shaking their fist and/or shutting down and/or (if they’re falling back on the worst of power-over vibes) looking into the insubordination clause of their outdated code of conduct and thinking about how to surveil better or punish their people to “ensure compliance.”
There are other options that are far more likely to be successful.
Before we dive into those options, let’s pause to review the concept of feedback.
The secret in plain sight is that we can’t actually make anyone take any feedback or do anything. At all. Ever. What we can do is improve our chances of being heard and of action being taken by framing the conversation well and responding skillfully in the moment, in a way that continues to build rapport while maintaining high standards.
Take stock of your specific situation:
Are you giving meaningful, useful feedback clearly and directly?
Could it be more clear and direct? Have you named a specific problematic behavior and named the optimal alternative behavior?
Has it been openly stated to everyone involved why it is useful? (In words - not in the “I’m their boss/coach/supervisor so they should do what I say just because I say it” sort of way.) Is your role in the situation recognized by everyone involved? Have you discussed that, too?
Do you have positive rapport with this person? Do you have their best interest in mind? How would they know that - have you told them?
Can they follow the feedback? Will it be difficult for them?
Is the person receiving the feedback adequately resourced to implement it? Are you asking them to do something they’ve never done before without the tools, training, or capacity to do it?
Do you know why the person isn’t taking the feedback? What is their perspective on the situation?
The books 10 to 25 by David Yeager and Radical Candor by Kim Scott both talk about making sure you have shown enough care and support alongside high expectations and direct feedback.
If you’ve answered (and possibly revisited for even more clarity and directness) all these questions in the affirmative, and they’re still not taking the feedback, it’s time to tune up your process.
One approach is to develop an organization-wide feedback process with intentionally chosen templates for giving and receiving feedback. I’ve done this work with organizations that felt like the barricades to accepting and taking feedback needed intentional dismantling. Training all the members of the organization on the custom process means everyone knows what to expect and how to respond in the moment. Roles and actions are clear to everyone involved.
More likely, you’re on your own within your organization or working relationship to manage the feedback and feedback rejection.
If the person receiving the feedback responds poorly in the moment. There are several productive approaches:
“It seems like this is difficult for you to take in right now. Let’s talk again this afternoon/tomorrow/at a specific day/time.” And then you do talk to them later and not use this delay tactic to get spontaneous amnesia and forget it even happened.
“Tell me what is going on for you right now?” This question can open a conversation about why the feedback may be landing poorly from the receiver's perspective.
“You seem upset/frustrated/shut-down/distracted/distracting, is that right?” This gets to how the person is feeling and a better understanding of their needs in the situation.
“I’m giving you this feedback because I think you can do better, and I want to support you to get there.” A foundation-setting statement (this is ideal before you give feedback).
“Let’s tackle one thing at a time. Let’s address the concerns you are bringing up after we make sure the feedback I’m delivering is clear.”
“Does what I’m saying make sense? Are the impacts of your behavior clear? What do you need to follow through on the change we need to make?”
“How do you want the future to look/feel?”
If the person receiving the feedback seems to take it in or responds benignly in the moment but later doesn’t follow through, you’ll need to try a similar but more nuanced approach.
“When we spoke yesterday/last week/this morning about changing this behavior, I thought we were clear on what different behavior was expected. What was your understanding of that conversation?”
“I’m checking in on the agreement we came to about doing this certain thing. How is it going on your end?”
“What roadblocks did you encounter when implementing the feedback?”
“What support do you need to make the changes we agreed on?”
The impacts on other people that are directly related to your behavior are still happening. What is your perspective?”
“Are the behavior expectations and/or the impact of your behavior clear?
“Tell me about what’s been going on for you since our feedback conversation.”
“Are our goals aligned?”
The purpose of all these questions is to open a conversation with the feedback receiver. In that conversation, you may learn that you did not have positive rapport or that you were not as clear and direct as you thought you were. Returning to foundational statements around having high expectations and a strong belief that the receiver can meet those expectations, coupled with the desire, on your part, to make sure they know you care about them as a person and want to support them to meet those expectations, can reset the feedback conversation to move forward. Also, taking the time to listen to the objections, obstacles, and support needs of the feedback receiver will help establish positive rapport.
Pressuring or forcing people to take feedback never ends well. Opening curious conversations to build strong rapport and elucidate shared goals can help feedback land more effectively.
What will you do next time you recognize your feedback isn’t landing?