Two Fabulous Leadership Communication Tools

Some recent conversations brought to mind a few powerful communication tools. It’s tough to see people struggle and there are easy in-the-moment ways you can help by building a stronger connection with that person and moving things forward at the same time. Here are two tools to make that happen.

Frequently, I talk with people tangled up in 17 layers of a maybe-it’s-a-conflict-type situation and all the who said what, who did what, and what they think that means. It is exhausting for everyone involved. Yet, we are wired to be storytellers. That is a way humans share knowledge and build bonds. There is definitely a time for the story, and then there is a time for reflection on that story.

People tell very circular stories when they sense that other people are not relating to the emotion of their situation. Most folks are not great at communicating their emotional state directly. (How many emotions do you have? How many emotion words do you know? How many of those words do you use every day in conversation?) A lack of emotional sharing undercuts story as a pathway to connection.

People will say, “Can you believe they did that?” in a bid for connection when we would understand (and connect) with them better if they said, “That thing they did really made me feel… (confused, frustrated, sympathetic, suspicious, joyful, agitated, amenable, inspired, motivated, heroic…).” Labeling the emotional state moves the conversation forward.

We can help people by guessing their emotions during a conversation. “It sounds like you’re feeling…(agitated, energized, coy, beat down, strong, peaceful…).” This guess can prompt reflection and emotion labeling, strengthening connection and moving the conversation forward.

Once you sense a circling conversation around how they are feeling (which is progress from ruminating on who did what), that is an excellent time for a particular magical clarifying question. Let me tell you a little story to illustrate. (Are there parts of this story that sound familiar?)

A friend recently messaged me saying she wanted to recommend my services to some folks who brought a challenge to her. I asked what kind of situation she was dealing with, and she forwarded me a message from some folks unhappy with leadership decisions made by a pair of bosses….I think. Or they were unhappy with a different leader mentioned in the message….or maybe they were unhappy that the bosses were not doing anything about the other leader…or maybe they just wanted my friend to take on a leadership role, and they were unhappy that she wasn’t into it.

I made matters more convoluted by asking my friend about the actual problem in this situation since so many could have been The Thing among the list of Many Things. She told me the folks involved needed my help, so she wanted to ask them to contact me. I told her I’d be happy to do so, even though I’m still not quite sure what I can do for them because I’m not clear on the problem.

The next day, I realized that I had missed a timely opportunity for the miraculous clarifying question: What do you want to have happen?

This magical question can cut through so much awkward monologing and simultaneously get to the root of the problem, along with any confounding and conflicting desires. The folks from the previous story haven’t reached out to me yet, but you can bet that within the first minute of talking with them (maybe even the first 30 seconds), I’ll be asking what they want to have happen. That will move us from the storytelling to reflection on the story and moving forward.

Both of these tools highlight the need for reflection. Much like how there is chit-chat and discourse, there is thinking about yourself, and then there is intentionally making meaning from experience. Reflection is the attention we bring to experience to identify learning.

Reflection creates meaning by clarifying what actually happened instead of relying on judgments or interpretations. Labeling emotions and identifying desires grounds us for future action.

Intentional journaling can be a powerful reflective practice, and so can working with an expert coach (perhaps a coach that gives you intentional journaling exercises?). Pausing to think about what you are feeling and what you want to have happen in any situation can open the door for thoughtful next steps. Supporting folks to engage in reflection is excellent leadership.